Loneliness has become my friend in the times of pain and desperation.
Actions guided by stupidity seek to nullify these feelings, disguised as hope they only bring more pain.
Like a wolf in sheep's clothing they come to only destroy and kill.
So we run, we run from everything that can bring disappointment and hurt, we try run from God, life and Love.
We run not knowing where, but we run with the hope that life would make more sense.
We run with unanswered questions and a longing just to find some rest.
We try our best to do what is right and make something of our lives.
We fall captive to this "skaap mentalitiet" of doing the same as all the rest.
We are all just looking for the truth whatever it may be.
Stories of Moses, Noah and God we know all to well, the church has told us what and what not to do.
We have grown up feeling guilt and condemnation for not being what the church or religion has told us to be
So we become good at putting on our masks, pretending to be someone that I really am not, making as if I have it all together and everything is just fine.
Our failures constantly bothering us, leaving us with regrets of a life, moments and decisions we wish we could have done better.
Confusion now plays through your mind like a scratched CD repeating itself; What now, What do I do, Where do I go, Is there really a God, Is there Hope, Am I loved, Am I loved, Am I loved...
What is the answer to these questions, is anyone really able to tell me?
There just seems to be no escaping this intense longing to be loved, I just can’t seem to run away from it.
Love has presented itself to me in various forms and pretenses, but they only ever seem to disappoint, never really ever lasting long.
There always seems to be one or other condition to the love I experience in life, a game of tit for tat you give me this all give you that.
Is that really what Love is or is that the result of a distorted human proposition of what we think love is.
Loneliness is just something that we as human beings can’t cope with.
Loneliness brings with it a melody of quietness that echoes throughout the vast spaces in my mind, leaving me with only my thoughts to entertain me.
My thoughts bring an awareness of life purpose, reality, a need and knowing that there is just something more to this life than what I am living for at this moment.
These thoughts bring me back to myself, it brings me to a realization that everything in me is not ok, that there is this deep emptiness on the inside of me.
Loneliness brings no comfort, hope becomes like a dying friend.
Longings of a more fulfilling life and memories of how things could have been or how you wish it would be keep you company.
Your thoughts become like a poison, an inescapable grip that chokes the life out of you, taking your freedom and making you a pupit to the religious, political and social structure of the world.
Your heart beats inside your chest, a beat that brings forth the sound of life.
Its a rhythm that sounds the melody heard by many but not understood by all.
Your story tells of lyrics written by others, a make believe song played by classical musicians.
Life feels like a written script which you just live out as each passing day comes along.
However what if I had to tell you that there is more to life, there is more to this mysterious rhythm than having it play over and over like a stuck record that does not really have any purpose or pleasure in what it brings.
That sometimes it is ok to have questions and not always have answers for them, cause you are not the only one but rather one of many people that find themselves in this battle for sanity and love.
The thing is we wont always have the answers or make sense of everything, we just simply wont always have all it all together.
We are gonna arrive at a place in our lives, more than what we would want to where we just feel like giving up, where things just seem to get too much and carrying on just does not seem possible.
We have tried all too many times to numb the feeling of pain and hurt by just covering it up with various addictions or bad habits like alcohol, cutting ect…
We do this all with the hope of just for a moment to be able to say and know I am loved and that I do matter.
Thoughts of ending life completely are all that seems to play back and forth throughout your mind now, just so that there can come an end to this hurt and pain that I now experience.
However what if I tell you that your story does indeed matter and that it will be up to you to make it count, people are not to determine the outcome of your life because there lies choice in your story.
The freedom of choice writes your own song and gives you the ability to be the hero in your own story.
There is indeed hope and there is a better life to be lived, one of importance, meaning and Love.
This is a journey that we embark on, a road of discovery and life lessons, and that’s just the thing that throughout this journey we are going to make mistakes and we are going to fall down many times.
However in the end it doesn’t matter how many times we end up falling down, what matters is that we get back up…we get back up and we continue to move forwards.
It is not necessarily gonna get easier throughout this journey called life, but I take comfort and hope in the fact that I don’t have to do it alone.
I have had the privilege of meeting my now best friend that has been there for me throughout every battle, journey, doubts, questions, fears and lonely times.
He has always gone the extra mile for me, because I can truly say and know that he loves me.
I have found however that the love he has for me was not like anything I have ever experienced before.
It was a love so unconditional and true, a love that was not based on my performance or good deeds.
It was a love that has always loved me and that will always love me just the same. His love brought me guidance, it brought me purpose and reason for life.
It brought Hope.
It is a love that never kept my wrongs against me. It made me feel so free to just be me, knowing that he understood me better than what anyone ever could.
It is a love that religion cannot teach, a love that I wish everyone could experience.
If you would ever want to meet my friend, his name is Jesus and he truly is more real than the air I breathe.
You should really give Him a call; I have found that He is always listening.
Just learn to first let go off all preconceived ideas of who you think He is or what people or religion has told you about Him. Rather you take the time to get to know Him personally and decide for yourself.
No comments:
Post a Comment